Category Archives: F.L.O.T.S.A.M.

‘Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living.’ – Anais Nin

I am all about action. I like to work and do and produce because it aligns my mind and body. When I produce I live, when I use my hands to create, when I can effect change, I am the happiest. It works so well that even when there is something really bad going on, I don’t have any control over, it takes me out of the moment and I don’t care as much about it as I did before.

There are a lot of things, I don’t have control over which came in pursuit of my dreams. In a way, my dreams contained me and I am less free than before, but I still have the freedom of expression though the choice of action and non-action in other parts and I am good at it. A suitable painting analogy: I am sure I spend as much if not more time pondering about my work in progress than actually working on it. And I figured that rush, usually just complicates things. I learned this first in work life when I would spend the same amount of time fixing my errors, as I spend creating them in a rush.

But what about a dream that is out of your reach. You can’t touch it, you can’t move it, and you can’t have an effect on it. There are these things, I took a chance on and it feels like sitting on a roulette table, not literally, I don’t like gambling. Anyway, even if it is not gambling in reality, it feels like it because of the prospect of loss.
Loss.Click.

Something funny crossed my way a few days ago when I was reading the movie review of “the last unicorn” because I was looking for waves that where painted in an old-fashion Chinese way and I remembered a scene from that movie.
The reviewer talked about “…learning to value regret and love that exists only within death, …” and another one mentioned in this context love, regret and loss as well. And I remember thinking: Hey, nobody ever told me that was part of life!
When I was whining about all the hardship going on while in a conversation with my Dad lately, he said: "Well, that’s life, isn’t it?"

I think, I always thought the purpose of life was to work myself out of the hardship of it. I expected it to become easier not harder in time. Truth is, things are way harder than 10 years ago. Love, regret and loss – I have had a lot of it and the stakes are still rising.
That’s life, my life but it doesn’t change me as a person. I mean, if I win it all or lose it all it doesn’t really change me. It might change my surroundings, my feelings, my finances, my home, the people in my life but I will be still the same. I won’t lose or win my memories, my experiences, my desires and dreams.

Maybe I didn’t play hard when I was younger because I couldn’t and maybe I will play harder in the future because I can. The strength comes not from what I can lose but from what I won’t. I am not my life. There are a million things I don’t have an influence on, things I don’t own and might lose or regret or love. If it is all taken from me, my life, there is still me and I’d go for a walk in the wheat field, lie down watch the wind moving the ears and start dreaming again just to fill up my life with love and hardship again because this is how things are.